Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Parenthood is BACKKK!!!

Tuesday nights are fun again.
Parenthood started its forth season recently.
It's one show that Nate and I actually agree on watching.
You can call it "us" time.
Because usually after the kids go to bed, he is downstairs watching his shows downstairs and I am upstairs folding laundry watching my shows or on the computer.
His shows include all the shows about gold mining, gun building, pawn shops and anything
on the history channel --  Boy Stuff.
Mine are too feminine. 
My must see shows are Project Runway, Top Chef and Glee.
So Parenthood is the one hour we get together to watch a show we both like.
Then what could be better than this last week's episode which handled Joel and Julia's adoption.
They had adopted Victor an older child through foster care.
I love how Parenthood chose to portray the relationship between Julia and Victor as not an instant bond and a struggle.
Because it isn't always perfect and the child sometimes does have a hard time bonding with
a new family that loves him/her but they can't show it or won't.
Adoption isn't easy.
I knew this from the start when we started in the process of adoption.
Yes, I dwelled in the fact that finally Nate and I would have a child of our own and I
dreamed about the moment we would meet our child and hold them in our arms
and tell them how much we had waited for them and that we would give them the world! 
(Hello run on sentence!)
But then you meet these kids and you have them call you "Lynn and Nate" not "Mom and Dad", they look at you with fear in their eyes leaving the only home/people they ever knew and going to strangers.
You try to bond with them showing them you care for them. 
That you love them and will always be there.
But in their mind, life has been alot of ups and downs and people leave. 
People they love leave or die.
So why would you be any different?
I struggled with Rosie on this topic.  Who am I kidding, I still struggle with this.
I am not sure in her head she truly feels safe and forever ours and that makes me sad.
We have given her the world and try as I might she still pulls away from me.
There are glimmers of hope though when she asks to sit on my lap or puts her head on my shoulder when I am reading a book. 
My heart leaps for joy in those moments. 
But there are too many moments where I believe she thinks she is alone.
All alone.  With no one to turn too.
One night I asked her if she could have any wish in the world what would she ask for?
And she answered, "for my mommy to love me"
I cried.
How can she not know I love her?
As soon as I raise my voice or tell her not to do something in her mind she thinks I don't love her. 
It's a day after day thing to show her I am here to stay and will be her mom forever. 
I won't ever stop loving her and no matter what she does I will keep loving her.
Maybe I don't say it enough.
But as a mother it is tough to hear that all she wants is for me to love her.
That's why when I see a show like Parenthood address adoption and yes some of it's struggles it means I am not the only one out there going through this.  
I cried through the show when Julia waits outside Victor's school and he sees her and knows she
will be there if he needs her. 
Maybe I need to stalk the parking lot of the school?
But the show is great and if you don't watch it you should. 
Okay there is me getting in way too deep and now I need to go sew or something so I'm not depressed. 
By the way this is WAY cheaper than paying a therapist so let me know who to send the bill too! 

1 comment:

  1. I cant imagine how this must feel. I don't have any advice but I'm sure with your vigilance, love& patience Rosie will come to feel the same wayabout you that you feel about her!