This past weekend Rosie and I went back to our adoption agency to go through a little bit of "therapy" to help start to heal her brain. All that behavior, the hoarding of food, the lashing out, the failure to communicate (are you singing Guns and Roses in your head now?) it was the only way she knew how to survive and communicate. Her survival skills before coming into our lives had taught her what she needed to survive. Now that she has us her brain hasn't learned how to let someone else take care of her and depend on a mom and dad. Her brain defiantly needs to heal and she needs to learn how to express herself especially when she is "deregulated" (nervous, anxious, scared, mad, etc.). When she gets anxious it comes out in anger or hurtful words in which I had perceived as behavioural issues and likely addressed accordingly by lecturing her (to no avail) or putting her in timeout or punishing her by taking things/privileges away. My parenting is just what I had learned from my childhood, remembering how I was parented or witnessing how my brother and sister in law raised their children. Parenting is something that you just acquire from watching people do it "right" or watching people do it "wrong". Those who you see doing it wrong you make a mental note not to do that! But every child is different. I had no clue growing up and watching someone parent being childless myself, it was easy to make a comment like "can you believe what she is doing?" or "Can't they quiet their child?" or my favorite "Can you believe her mom let her go out in that?" I take responsibility for spreading my "parenting wisdom" a few times before I had kids. I was so naive. You have no clue the history/relationship/style in which that other parent is making their family work...... okay sorry for the rant. So learning alot of knowledge about the traumatized brain from our GREAT adoption agency director was so enlightening. It was so encouraging and overwhelming at the same time. Rosie received a "toolbox" of items that she can use to help regulate and work through problems she has. My biggest concern now is using these tools in a healing way and having the time to really give Rosie the attention she needs. Sadly her brain isn't going to heal overnight and I am still learning alot and need to realize everyday that Rosie is just trying to survive with the skills that she has. It is my goal now to give her new skills to handle situations so that she can be happy.
I know this blog is a little more personal than I planned it, but I just felt the need to put my thoughts out there. If anyone can learn what to do or what not to do than I have served a purpose. Parenting is not easy. You can't read a book and get all the answers, trust me I have read hundreds of books and that has never solved the problem. It is hard to admit that things aren't perfect behind the scenes, but it is so much more important for my kids to be safe, than what other people think. Every mothers wish is that their children feel safe and loved. I have modified this wish to ask for the gift of my daughter's healing. I don't want her past to define her, I want the past to make her stronger. This may take time, years maybe, but I am doing my best to help her and will do anything for her. I think when you are waiting to adopt you don't anticipate some of the battles you have to go through. When you give birth and that percious pink bundle is placed in yoru arms you feel that they are a piece of you instantly. For me and Rosie that "moment" wasn't right away. It took her 13 days to even say the word "mom" and even then I don't think she totally understood what that meant. 46 days in from our placement I remember when she hugged me for the first time without me asking for a hug and that was a priceless moment. God placed her in my life and she has been one of my biggest blessings I only hope that I can give her what she needs.
I learned so much and I don't think we even touched the surface of her traumatized brain, but I will keep working and researching until I am blue in the face to make my daughter happy. A mother's love is stronger than anything and I plan on showing Rosie that!!! I may have been doing it all wrong before, but now I can change and be the mommy that she needs.
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