Goals, Dreams, and Aspirations

When you are young you dream about what you are going to be when you grow up.  You go through stages where you want to be an astronaut, fire fighter, veterinarian, even a rock star.  Since my earliest memory I have always always wanted to be a stay at home mom.  Crazy, I know.  Yes, I went through periods of my youth where I thought helping cute little puppies being a veterinarian would be my dream job until I realized I would have to help ALL animals snakes, cats, donkeys you name it.  Then I thought better of that career choice.  When I got into High School and everyone starts to ask you what you want to go to college to be, my thoughts were initially into architecture.  My brother Dennis talked me out of that one reliving stories of long hours of sitting making blue prints of every level of a building without too much creativity.  Believing I was going to be designing the next "Falling Waters", my dream of being an architect went out the window.  When I fell into the degree of Landscape Architecture I was very apprehensive about whether this was what I wanted to do, but I fell in love.  I LOVED the biology part of it and was pretty good at the sketching and discovered a passion in the outside world, but deep in my heart I still thought what I really wanted to do was be at home with kids.  You see my mom was a stay at home mom.  Whenever I was sick, she was there to "baby" me back to good health.  Whenever I forgot my homework at home, she was there to bring it up town and drop it off in the office.  When I would get off the bus from school she was there to ask me how my day was.  I wanted to BE my mom.  I completed my degree found a job in my field and enjoyed life.  Nate and I got married and the rest is history.  I now get to be that stay at home mom I have always wanted to be.  I am living my dream and yes it is not all housecoats with my feet up and drinking a martini (that is NOT what my mom did let me clarify) but I get to walk my kids to school in the morning.  I am lucky enough to play with my two little girls during the day and make impromptu trips to the zoo or family museum.  Or on days the kids don't have school constitute pajama days!!  But the last 6 months or so I have been kind of down.  I don't know what it was the gloominess of the winter, the stress of keeping a house together with 4 kids plus one "big" kid who keep making it a mess, or who knows what.  I was living my dream why was I so unhappy.  Then I made the New Year's Resolution to spend a little time on me this year.  I spend all day getting meals prepared, doing laundry, mediating fights, and making sure everyone in the family is happy that I forgot about me!  I started journaling, reading more, and running outside.  Like I stated before I am not a great runner but it was time out of the house where I didn't hear my kids asking for something and feel guilty that I was on the Elliptical and not able to read them a book.  

Being coaxed by my sister I started running more and more.  I thought in my head that I was going to run a few races this year a 5K here and there, until my sister suggested I run the 1/2 marathon in May with her.  It sounded ridiculous at first, seriously have you seen this body it is not a runner's body.  But the more and more I thought about it and the more I was running and not feeling like death at the end of a run, I started to believe I could.  The BIG day was the day I signed up for the race.  It was still 3 months away, but I was so scared to fail.  I started a training schedule and with no racing buddy I started texting my sister in the morning after my runs so I was found accountable.  I get up at 5:07 in the morning 3/4 days a week and get my butt out and run.  I haven't fallen in love with running but I am doing something.  Now I had a goal!  I found myself again and it was then I came to the realization that I was just going through life without any dreams anymore.  I was living my dream of being a stay at home mom so what else?  Making the decision to run in the 1/2 marathon was a goal, a dream to work towards that I hadn't had in my life for a while.  And even though I am no Usain Bolt, I am still doing it and I haven't given up.  Having dreams in life really kept me from just blindly walking from day to day.  Now, I haven't figured out what my "dream" or goal is going to be come May 6th but I know that I will undiscover something that will keep me going and motivated to wake up in the morning and be happy.  I have unearthed "me" in the whole process and feel so much more confident and NOW I feel more like my mom.  A woman who knows who she is and is confident in herself and physically and spiritually blessed. 

It is 30 days to the BIG day and this girl is still running towards that finish line....